Sunday, August 13, 2006

The Nightmare

I see myself walk into a room. Bleary eyed, hair disheveled, what I’ve worn (I have refrained from using ‘Shirts’ and ‘Trousers’ for fear of being sued by those communities) looks as if its never known the existence of trivialities such as detergents and irons, my face (that otherwise handsome, charismatic face!) bears a striking resemblance to a particularly haggard bulldog.

The line of perception, for some strange reason, rotates a whirlwind 180 degrees and I see what I in the dream can see. The suffocating trauma of looking at as pitiful a creature as myself in the just described predicament, immediately vanishes, and is replaced by a queer mixture of barely controlled desperation and an even more pitiful sense of sympathy for the ‘me that is in the dream’.

The feeling is almost exactly replicated by those that I see. There in front of ‘me in the dream’, sit those seven magnificent specimens of men and women who, off late, have been so generous and unwavering in the creation of pain in my arse. My profs for this term.

I’ll not name any names here; I accept my duty of preserving the identities of such splendid people from the bottom of my heart.
I always find it amusing when people wish something from the bottom of their hearts. Isn’t bottom the place where all the filth accumulates?

Nevertheless, I’ll take the literary liberty of identifying this illustrious bunch of gentlemen and women by their initials and their tormenting specializations, so that the ensuing narrative becomes infinitesimally easier to present and childishly simple to comprehend (Phew!!! We writers have a tough job!!!). So here goes:

SCB – Management Accounting
HM – Economics
SS- Behaviour in Organisations
AB-Quantitative Analysis
DS-Legal Aspects of Management
BB-Information Technology in Management
NP-Communications in Management

They slowly draw closer to me, which I take, in the profound sleep-ridden clarity of my mind, as an indication of my dream-twin (we’ll call this fella, Bampi from now on) moving towards them. Presently, they rise a few notches on the screen. No symbolism involved here; apparently, my twin has found his way into a chair.

Oh shit!!! My mind suddenly fathoms the gravity of the situation. These guys are going to interview me! Why they should suddenly take time out to do so, is of course beyond the purview of the simplistic world view that I have been endowed with.


NP (With that perpetually encouraging and sympathetic smile on her face)- Good Morning!

Methinks- Oh! Its morning!

Bampi-Good Morning Ma’am!

NP-Let’s see if you’ve been practicing all that I’ve been telling you. Analyze your audience here.
Bampi: Uh-Oh! Umm….

SCB (With a voice and accent and overall demeanour that can be best described as, indescribable) -Why are you mumbling? What is the issue?

Bampi: I, err… I was just…

SCB- No. You’ve not read the case! You should be thrown out right now.

Methinks- Oh, please, please do it! I couldn’t be more grateful!

Bampi: No Sir, I… (And then better judgement prevails and he shuts up)

SS (With that fabulous Bih-inglish (Bihari English) accent)- Whai are you naat speaking? No caanfidench at aal! You are abviously naat a type A personality!

NP- No! No! He speaks well. I’ve seen him presenting…

SS- Oh that must just be a put aun! I am sure he ij in deep emotional labour when he prejents!

BB (With the forced US accent and a touch of hopeful contribution to his voice) - Perhaps, he doesn’t have the token and therefore can’t transmit right now, yes? (Looks around him at the blank faces and shuts up)

AB (Flashes a mischievous smile at Bampi) – No comments!

SCB- Why are we wasting time? We have a marathon session today. Let us be fast.

HM (With the customary meekness in voice and flexibility of the neck) – I mean! I mean, you see, we have to make it clear to him. He needs to answer. He needs to answer. He needs to answer. Right now his production possibility curve is practically zero.

AB- That is called limit tends to zero.

NP – Yes, of course he needs to answer.

AB – Then let the poor fellow answer

At this everyone starts looking at Bampi as if he’s about to drop either a priceless pearl of wisdom or a pellet of dried cow dung out of his mouth.

Bampi: Err…but what was the question?

HM tries to say something but SCB beats him to it.

HM- I mean...

SCB- See! He doesn’t know the issue! He has not read the case!

SS – He never doej. I haave alwayj faund him completely blank and frequently dojing aoff in class.

AB – Now that is not completely correct. His performance in my class is as follows
· He never sleeps
· He keeps looking here and there
· He never answers and has this enlightened smile on his face as if he knows everything
· And thankfully, he never missed class for a BIO quiz!

SS – Whaat are you trying to say here? BIO ij naat impaartent? You can never succeed withaout it. EQ ij more impaartent than IQ!

Methinks – I expected you to say that. After all, EQ is all you have.

DS (Fidgeting in his chair all this while, itching to say something but failing to form a coherent sentence…and finally!) – I do not know. It is written nowhere in the laaw.

Methinks- Did anybody actually ever write anything worthwhile in the law?

SCB- Please…please don’t waste time with all this. This…this is not the platform for this discussion.

NP- Alright. Let the boy speak. I am sure if we allow him to, he’ll come up with a ‘Yes’ presentation.

Bampi - ……..

BB- He’s just hopeless. Don’t think he’ll be able to state even A to Zee properly. His IP settings are all messed up. Too many collisions. Perhaps his brain uses ALOHA.

DS – IP? Does he even have any Intellectual Property? I do not know.

SCB – It was such a beautiful case and you didn’t read it! You are not fit to be in this place. Which idiot allowed you admission here anyway?

Methinks – One of you. Who else?

AB- If we take X to be the random variable for the number of times he’ll speak correctly, the probability will be zero.

Bampi – But…

SS – Naaw he want to put tha blame on as. It ij tha self-sarving bias.

NP – You had developed so much ethos, Kushal. You’ve let me down now.

SCB- He’s just trying to make stories here. He should be thrown out.

Suddenly, I hear a scuffle, find the bunch falling a few notches and then whoosh!!!…I am out of myself and can see myself in the dream again. And I see myself running for the door…

Somewhere in the background I hear this…

Last thing I remember

I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before
Relax said the nightman, we are programed to recieve
You can check out any time you like
But you can never leave
(From Hotel California – Eagles)

6 comments:

Nikesh said...

A YES post
But one thing ... what's the issue in this ? !! :P

Abhay said...

U r aebsolutely right !!!
I mean...u see..this was a yes blog...i m also pheeling motibhated to taak about it...but the issue is that i have not read the case...and i dont know what la says...so no comments !!!

Anonymous said...

Now it would sound surreal to you both literally and figuratively but even I had a dream not any were near to your nightmarish scale, but when IIM grads that are pals drop in during a short nap in college after the harangue of Operations Research professor it’s Manna from heaven, now you would be wondering that what the hell you were doing in my dreams, let me elaborate.
We had gone in for a drive in your car in the pleasant A’ Bad atmosphere that is always unpleasant and unforgiving, now this whole scenario would be sounding weird to you (Certainly did to me), now you would be cursing me for not foreseeing you or me (It was my dream after all not yours) with a hot bombshell chick in this romantic atmosphere rather each other, silently (as I was in the class room) even I was craving for the same, but couldn’t have helped my self as you had been running on my mind that day as communication ceased from your side for quite some time. So it’s my earnest request to you that you better be in touch so that I can doze off peacefully (after boring lectures) and foresee my self with some hot bombshell babe rather than each other. We would be better off in real world with each other rather in the dream world and if these dreams still continue be ready for a Nightmare post the next time on your blog from my side.

vijit chatterjee said...

Now it would sound surreal to you both literally and figuratively but even I had a dream not any were near to your nightmarish scale, but when IIM grads that are pals drop in during a short nap in college after the harangue of Operations Research professor it’s Manna from heaven, now you would be wondering that what the hell you were doing in my dreams, let me elaborate.
We had gone in for a drive in your car in the pleasant A’ Bad atmosphere that is always unpleasant and unforgiving, now this whole scenario would be sounding weird to you (Certainly did to me), now you would be cursing me for not foreseeing you or me (It was my dream after all not yours) with a hot bombshell chick in this romantic atmosphere rather each other, silently (as I was in the class room) even I was craving for the same, but couldn’t have helped my self as you had been running on my mind that day as communication ceased from your side for quite some time. So it’s my earnest request to you that you better be in touch so that I can doze off peacefully (after boring lectures) and foresee my self with some hot bombshell babe rather than each other. We would be better off in real world with each other rather in the dream world and if these dreams still continue be ready for a Nightmare post the next time on your blog from my side.

vijit said...

sorry forgot to write my name

Pratik Dave said...

SS's reply:
I knew you were with ABVP(All Bloggers Vested Posts) and trying to swindle the profs. I bhill taalk bith the committee to expel you.
I can confidently say that you don't utter the pearl of wisdom but surely pellets of cowdung.
:)
mastan likha hai bhai..
u inspire me.